What would your life look like if you went after all the things you wanted?
I let out a big sigh: ‘I can’t wait for the weekend!’. This happened a couple of years ago while I was doing some mundane task at work. I realized I had been thinking that a lot lately and I was just pushing through the week with little motivation just to make it to Friday. Then I would have a long list of to-dos that would leave me tired and unmotivated on Monday mornings, wishing it was weekend all over again. I distinctly remember thinking to myself ‘This is no way to live, you are literally wishing your life away.’ I decided it was time for a change. Fast forward to now, I wake up every morning excited about all the great things I get to do: I went after the professional change I wanted, I started my own coaching business, I diligently educate myself on topics that matter to me, I keep active and enjoy great relationships.
So… what changed?
After a careful look at my life, I realized I was bored. Work stopped being challenging, I crammed my free time with activities, thoughts and relationships that left me feeling unfulfilled and stuck. So how did I get here and why did I put up with it for so long? The reason was crystal clear - comfort. And, what’s worse, I got so comfortable that the idea of change made me feel anxious and afraid. I had it good after all, why risk it? But then I remembered, I never back down from a challenge, so it was time to take matters into my own hands.
This is what I learnt in the process: when we are afraid, we get defensive. We feel vulnerable and threatened, opportunities seem scary rather than exciting. When our time, focus and energy are spent in defense mode, there are little to no resources to expand our horizons. There is no room for broadening our minds through new ideas, growing through new experiences, or having the energy to go for what we want. Fear stifles our enthusiasm and zest for life, dulling it just like a flame starved of oxygen.
Courage, dear heart
But how do we know which of our dreams are really worth the effort? After all, no one has enough time and energy to go after everything, all the time.
Try to imagine yourself already having it. Silence all the worries and fears that come up and allow yourself to feel what it would be like when you achieve that goal. Would you be happy, proud, confident? And most importantly, will you have grown through the process? If the answer is yes, then the only obstacle in your way is fear. Here are some tips to get yourself out of defense mode and into intentional action:
Make a list of Pros and Cons. But wait, there’s more. Now take each Con and make a Best Case/Worst Case scenario. For example, you are thinking about asking for a promotion. One of your Cons might be that you don’t think you have the full skill set yet. Best Case: you start discussing the role and realize that most of the responsibilities are already within your skill set - hooray! Worst Case: you are severely underqualified and get turned down. Rejection is never nice, but in the process you will have gained clarity over your skills and what needs developing, as well as market expectations. Now you can start building up your skills and you will be more confident and better prepared next time.
Take control - in every situation there are always things in and out of our control. Make a list of what you can control and start working on those. Taking intentional action will get you closer to your goal, no matter how the other variables play out.
Practice daily - gently push yourself out of your comfort zone as often as possible. Take any small chance you get to act with courage. It may be speaking up in a meeting, telling your waiter they got you the wrong order, asking for a discount - whatever works for you.
Look for the lesson - fear is an uncomfortable feeling and we try to get rid of it as fast as possible. Try to be in it, let it wash over you without distraction. See how it makes you feel, what kind of issues it brings up and what lessons you can find.
Don’t take things personally - you may try and fail, that doesn’t make you a failure. It makes you wiser and stronger. Internalize the lessons you learnt through failure and adjust your strategy, then try again.
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